What NOT to say/do to someone with Cancer

 April 21st, 2012

Do not visit if you are unwell or have been around someone that is unwell. Chemo not only kills the bad cells, it kills the good ones too. A cancer patient undergoing chemo can’t fight infection, so please stay away. If they catch an infection it could be life threatening!

Do not ignore them. Do not stop calling them because suddenly you don’t know what to say. Do not try to avoid them in social situations because you are uncomfortable.

Go up to them. Call them. E-mail them. Tell them, first, that you heard about the cancer. Tell them second that you think it sucks and you’re sorry to hear about it.

Don’t talk about your uncle who died of the same cancer. Don’t talk about how your whole family has had cancer, and you’ll probably die of it, too. Do not talk about how many people die of it every year. Don’t talk about death.

Oh Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, isn’t that the good cancer.

I understand this is an expression of goodwill, but you wouldn’t wish cancer on your worst enemy! And the chemo treatment alone, gives you the possibility of chemo-related cancers for the rest of your life. So, calling it “the good cancer” is definitely not the thing to say as you are effectively invalidating that person’s entire experience. You leave that person thinking ‘well if I have a ‘good cancer’, my fear must be irrational.

Don’t talk about how you once got diagnosed with pneumonia, so you can understand what it’s like. No you can’t. Don’t try. Tell them you can’t even imagine what it’s like to go through something like this.

Do not talk about the alternative medicine that you read about in Crazy monthly that is sure to cure them of their disease. Don’t tell them that their treatment isn’t good for them, and that lots of people end up dying from the treatments, or that chemotherapy is just a big conspiracy between the government and the pharmaceutical companies, etc., etc. Don’t tell them how they got it. Just stop. They don’t need to hear about it.

Do not talk about the people you know who have had cancer and are now doing great. Don’t get me wrong, this news is fantastic & again I understand this is an expression of goodwill, however cancer & treatment is very much based on the individual. It totally depends on your body and your body’s reaction to the treatment.

If they are sad about it, don’t tell them that they shouldn’t be sad. They have a right to be sad, or exhausted, or whatever it is they feel. Don’t tell them what to do.

Ask them about the treatment – then listen to the response. It might be a long response, with a lot of medical terms. Listen anyway. It’s all they probably think about right now, anyway, so just let them talk about it.

Give them a hug, or a handshake, or a pat on the back. Touch them somehow. Tell them that you’re concerned for them, and you’re looking forward to them being a cancer survivor.

Do not give them the line, “if there’s anything I can do just tell me…”, unless you are absolutely certain that you would do ANYTHING for them. Just don’t say it, because most people don’t mean it. If you really want to do something for them, come up with the idea yourself, and then do it. Send flowers, or a book, or bring over dinner for them.

Do not say/do things that will make them feel pressured. They need time to cope & adjust. They have a long bumpy, unpredictable road ahead. While some days will be great, others will not, so taking day by day is the only way!